About fifteen years ago I was coming back from Chicago at about two a.m. Three
deer jumped right out in front of me. I swerved to go between the last two, and
there was room, but the last deer was moving a little faster than the other two
and closed the gap. I hit him and he never knew what happened. It totally
smashed my right front fender and pushed it into the tire making it impossible
to drive. I got out and looked at the deer and petted him for a while, because
I too was hurt from hitting him. There was nothing that I could do.
I think that I told this story to you a long time ago. Just two weeks before I
completely repainted the car. It looked real nice and I put a lot of work into
it. Now the front fender was just destroyed and the bumper and headlight were
all bent. It just happened that I had a junk car, just like this one sitting on
the property. So, being a super fix it man I took the fender off. It turned
out that the bolts were all rusted and broke as tried to turn them. I was able
to get the front, damaged, part of the fender loose, but getting the rest loose
and being able to drill out the rusted bolts was a big problem. So I was super
smart and took a torch and cut a straight line down the fender removing the
Next, I had to go through the whole process on the other cars fender, measuring
exactly where I cut the fender on the damaged car. Wow, I was amazed that the
whole thing fit perfectly. I drilled out the bolts and put the new, front part,
of the fender on and had to weld the line where I cut it. Well, again I was
surprised on how good I could weld with as little experience that I had at
welding. The very last part of the weld was done, but the smoke didn't stop
coming out from under the fender. In fact, the smoke got a lot worse and then I
saw flames. I caught the car on fire because the inner fender was made out of
plastic. Well, I'm super well educated and always kept a bucket of water near
where I was welding. So I threw the bucket of water on the fire and mostly
missed. The fire was partially out, but it was not out and was again getting
worse. Where was the hose, I thought. It was disconnected and almost a hundred
feet from where I was. By the time I hooked it up, unwound it and got it to the
car, it would be just too late.
I looked back and forth for other options and there was none. Suddenly I
realized that I just drank a 32oz Pepsi and I did indeed have a hose very close
at hand. Luckily I was able to play fireman and get the fire out. Thank God
for being male.
But the story doesn't end there. I had to jack up the car and take the wheels
off to repair the bumper and other damage. I did all of that and, other than
the different paint colors, it looked pretty good. All I really takes is a big
enough of a hammer and some body putty.
When I was all done, the car was remarkably in good shape. So I started to
lower the jack, and being on a brick driveway which was covering saturated
ground, the jack suddenly fell over on it's side under the car. I didn't have
another jack of any kind that would work to get the car back up so I could pull
the floor jack out. So, again I'm a super genius. It just so happened that we
had an Allis Chalmers farm tractor with a bucket loader on it. So I started up
the tractor and put the bucket under the axle and it picked up the car
perfectly, with no problem.
I pulled out the jack and felt relief about being such a genius and solving the
problem so quickly. As I let the car back down on the up righted jack, the axle
slipped off of the bucket and the car again fell to the ground, but now the
bucket was in the wheel well where the tire should have been and now the left
fender was totally ripped off of the car. It was a real mess. But, of course,
I had another fender and had to repeat the whole process. Now my two week old
paint job was a two day old junk job.
Now, don't take your car to the repair man. Just let me come over and fix the
whole thing for you, I do such good work. Ha. Ha.
But the story really wasn't over. I had to weld the car again, and I was real
careful, but not careful enough. The whole sequence happened again as I again
caught the car on fire and my bucket wasn't aimed good enough to put the fire
out. Thank God for Hardees' 32oz Pepsi's.
After I finally got the whole car fixed and more paint word completed, I drove
the car and when I hit the brakes it would pull to the right. When I gave it
the gas it would pull to the left. What the heck was wrong now, is what was
going through my brain. Again jacking up the car I found that the frame was
cracked and it was so rusted that every time I tried to weld the crack, it would
do not stick but melt holes on the very thin rusted frame. This property is
pretty big and I have a lot of lawnmower parts around. So the car finally had a
lawnmower blade welded to the frame keeping it together.
Do you know what happened to the car about a year later? I only paid a hundred
dollars for the car and it ran super good. But it was twenty years old and
really rusted out in this snow/salted road environment. I finally welded so
many lawnmower blades on it, that there was nothing else to weld to. The frame
kept cracking and I kept welding. So it ended up in the junk yard with double
the weight of steel on it from the excess blades. I know the people at the junk
yard and even to this day they get a laugh out of it.